I Just Don't Know

So much has happened since I posted last... I'm not even sure where to start. I have some apologies to make and I have some people that I really owe big time. If you're reading this, you know who you are and I am sorry. I know you will probably never believe me but I am.

I'm in a really odd stage in life right now and I have no idea what to think about it. This place is hard and cold and painful and numbing. Sometimes I wish I could just close my eyes and shut out a lot of the things that go on around me. The thing is I can't. I think its because I have this fear that the moment I give up trying and turn my back, I'm going to miss something so much bigger and so much greater than me and my little world. But I have to admit, sometimes that fear is no where near as strong as it should be.

So often, I just want things to be different. I don't know why or even how I really want things to be, but for what ever reason I'm craving change and challenge. I also decided I'm really sick of people judging other people. You might think, "Sure you are. Someone probably just judged you. Of course you feel that way." But no one has been judging me (I mean besides the typical people that is). I have just been noticing it a lot lately. It actually makes me really really mad. People have no idea what others are going through or what horrid things have brought them to the place they are at now. And who says who should get to judge who? I don't know, maybe its just me being my bugged little self but it is pretty irritating.

I have also realized some things about myself lately. I am not a perfect girl. My hair doesn't always stay in place and I spill things a lot. I'm pretty clumsy and sometimes I have a broken heart. My friends and I fight and sometimes nothing goes right. But when I think about it and take a step back, I remember how amazing life truly is. And maybe, just maybe, I like being imperfect.

I guess thats kinda whats going on right now. I'm definitly in a place of learning some rough lessons but I am learning. Sometimes I'm a really slow learner and I know I can be a difficult student. I guess that what it takes. But then, what do I know...